2018 Resolution: Expand The Empire

Welcome to our blog fellow stoolies.

At Barstool USD, our New Year’s Resolution was to simply expand the Barstool USD empire and this bad ass blog is only the beginning. Our team is growing and we continue to expand our content. And unlike the rest of you, we actually followed through on our New Year’s Resolution. So we thought it would be appropriate to show you how everyone’s bullshit New Year’s Resolutions actually turn out.

Time for another semester full of people acting like they have somehow magically changed their shitty habits from the first semester that was full of GPA’s lower than BAC’s and questionable hookup decisions on the weekends.

“I’m actually going to go class”. “I’m not going out until I get my homework done”. “New Year, New Me”

I’ll let my boy Donnie educate you on all of these resolutions you hear from your friends.

fake news

I’m done with this bullshit. It’s time to set the record straight on New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s go through the most common New Year’s Resolutions and we will tell you what they really mean.

Resolution: I will actually use the Wellness Center!

Translation: My suddenly 4 to an 8 ex-girlfriend from high school dry humped her new boyfriend in front of me over Christmas Break, all while eye-fucking me like crazy. Time to show her what she missed out on.

Actual Result: Heads to Wellness Center,

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Resolution: Lose that Freshman 15

Translation: How do I tell my family that my new Christmas clothes don’t fit because I couldn’t quit eating Qdoba and doing keg stands? And how the fuck am I going to fit in my swimsuit this summer?

Actual Result:

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Resolution: Actually show up to class

Translation: I hit the snooze button more times in one morning than I went to my 8 AM all semester. How in the absolute fuck did I do this in High School? No more, I’m paying for a good education.

Actual Result: 2nd 8 AM class of the year,

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Resolution: Save Money

Translation: I’m poor. I ate ramen noodles all semester to save money. But every weekend, I turn into Bill Gates at the bar. “Ah fuck, put it on my tab. Who wants shots?! It’s for the kids!” And my parent’s finally realized Old Lumber Company is in fact NOT a lumber company

Actual Result: The first Friday night back…

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Resolution: Eat Healthier

Translation: My body feels like a toxic wasteland. A constant diet of Einstein, Qdoba, and Chick-fil-A has turned me into a garbage disposal. Maybe Michelle Obama was onto something with the healthy school lunches.

Actual Result: Walking up to Qdoba like…

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Resolution: Drink Less Alcohol

Translation: I had worse withdrawal symptoms over Christmas break than a crackhead in jail. And my liver feels like a rock. Time to change my life around.

Actual Result: Teacher hands out syllabus and explains grading…

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Resolution: Stop hooking up with slightly overweight frat guys

Translation: Time to settle down and find a serious guy that cares and respects me. Every time I drink, a chunk turns into a hunk after 5 shots of tequila.

Actual Result: First Tequila Tuesday back at school…

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Resolution: Actually Study for Class

Translation: Half of the questions on the final looked like hieroglyphics. Turns out, I actually had physiology all semester when I thought I had psychology. Fuck.

Actual Result: Reads blog from Barstool USD about New Year’s Resolution instead of studying.

Bring on 2018.